Have you ever sat down and cried so much day and night? Have you ever been in such a dark place that you couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel? You start questioning God, asking him why me father? What have I done to deserve this? Is it my fault? I have been there before but I held on and came out strong with the support of my husband and most of all God.
I remember everything like it was yesterday. We found out we were pregnant, yes we, yes i'm carrying the baby but he carries us all. You can only imagine the joys of knowing you're having an addition to the family. You finally get to see what a mini you would look like. You're thinking of cute clothes you've already bought in your head to dress them up in. Well, what was a daydream turned out to be a nightmare for me in five days. I went to the bathroom and there it was. A nightmare, what was the normal monthly menstrual cycle became my biggest fear. I bled.... And I bled. I went into immediate panic, crying hysterically. There was no prayer I did not pray. I called my husband and we rushed to the hospital. Aside from knowing that you're losing your child, you now have to sit and wait to be seen, to see if my unborn child life can be saved. So I was eventually seen, and the words that came out of the doctors mouth was and I quote; “I'm sorry you are having a miscarriage and there's nothing we can do”.
What in fact I Yocana heard was, “sorry your child is dead.” I knew my child, I carried my child, I spoke to my child, I sang to my child, I prayed for my child and now I'm told my child was no more. Too date that'll be the longest five days of my life spent....five days. Imagine someone telling you, you can only carry your child for five days, and you won’t feel your child again, you won’t get to see that child you carried. I didn't think you'd be able to either.
Shock was an understatement for how we felt, tears was not enough to cry the weight of the value of our child. The journey home consisted of me wondering what I did wrong, how I could have done better, how I could have saved my child's life. Did I wrong someone, did I wrong God or am I just simply not fit to be a mother. What ever hope I had left in me was flushed down the toilet the rest of the week as I continued to bleed. It became worrying as it continued so heavily.
I returned to the hospital to be checked further and they suggested a scan. I felt maybe it might be a miracle and they made a mistake. Maybe I was still pregnant. Facial expressions can at times carry more words than speaking itself. To think I had already heard the worst of and quote; “You have an ectopic pregnancy” the doctor said. These words came to me in slow motion. My baby didn't travel to the womb but was developing in the fellopian tube instead. To top it off, my baby was still ALIVE! They told me I was going to need to have an operation to remove the baby as my tube was damaged in the process. There was no way of saving my baby. At this point I just wanted to get up and run, maybe just maybe everything would work out. Though I knew that my hope was not in correlation with reality. Confusion became my best friend at that very moment. I called my husband and told him everything whilst struggling between my words and tears. My husband immediately rushed to the hospital from work.
As in you know the saying that; “ you do not know how strong you are, until being strong is your only option”. This is a statement heard many times before but I had only understanding of after that experience. Operation was in preparation, my vision was lost in my tears. All I can remember was pleading with the doctors to wait for my husband. The doctors refused to wait. My heart sank, my mind went blank. Thank God for women and the love of nail polish. This bought me time as they couldn't go forward with the surgery until they removed my nail polish. My husband arrived in time for surgery, God works in mysterious ways.The most minute factor such as nail polish can be used to work in your favour. When man doesn't have your back, God does.
Waking up coughing and to a sore throat from the oxygen tube wasn't the most pleasant of experiences. However knowing i wasn't alone and that my husband was in the waiting area praying and worrying the whole time was comforting. I was taken to the recovery room. I spent my time counting down till I could leave and return home. Everything about the hospital reminded me of everything I wanted to forget. The strength I saw in my husband played a big part in my recovery. A doctor came to carry out post surgery observation and informed us of what to expect there after. The doctor stated, I may have difficulty conceiving hence forth. More so if I do conceive there's a high tendency it'll be ectopic. I rebuked the words of the doctor and the entity of her being at that very moment. I refused to believe that such would be my portion ever again! Though I had my worries that I may never conceive again. Especially with the knowledge of having one tube remaining. Carnal pessimistic thinking had a wide door way to make it's entrance into our life. This we refused to allow but chose to believe that God is bigger than one tube, even if I had no tubes, the God I serve can still give us children. To say the road to recovery mentally and emotionally was easy, would be a big lie. It caused emotional instability and put a strain on our marriage. However because of what we chose to believe and do, is why we are here today. We chose to stay strong, to counter for each other's weakness, to believe our God is not a liar and to stay in faith/ faithful regardless of the circumstances. Communication is key, communication can save you. We increased our prayer life and services in Church. One must not forget where their strength stems from, that is God for it is unchangeable and innegotiable. I believed it was a positive healthy distraction from the realities of our experience. What I once spoke, I started to believe. I knew my children will come at the right time, God's time. To let go and let God is simply the best decision one can make in their life.
Today I can say w have been blessed with two beautiful children, Zayne 2 years of age and Cataleya 1 and 1/2 years old. Both uniquely made and comedians in their own right! They are my miracle babies for sure. Conceiving on both occasions was no problem and to top it off I had very fast labour and delivery. I thank God for their live's everyday. He is simply AWESOME!!